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Moving on

Moving on…I am wondering if my work in human services will ever end…part of me really wants to be done with it…part of me feels drawn to the need given that I have the knowledge and experience to at least address it. We shall see…I may get canned but I am oddly enough not worried, not terribly anxious…actually excited to see what life holds…follow the muse, follow my intuition, follow the universe.


Phase II

And so today, essentially, I was told that MDS, where I work, can no longer afford to have me around…seemingly is unable to find a way to utilize me…am in an “unfunded” position and currently not able to bring money into the agency.  And so I said earlier this past year that I would be out of MDS by January 1…and so I had a couple months extension.  I feel like I should be totally freaking out but I am actually happy…it is forcing me to start thinking seriously about phase II…I dedicated most of my life to human services, maybe it is time for something completely different.  It is a time for me to be creative about what it is exactly that I want to do and to just do it…what am I passionate about really…hmmmmmmm?

Biology of Pain etc.

And so there is this thing that when we feel pain, our body reacts physiologically to guard us against it…and what we do psychologically is to create a story to deal with it…so and so did not respond to my email because she really doesn’t like me, she is mad at me and basically because I suck as a person.  I had recently done this to Linda Q after her not responding to a couple of emails and a text.  It is a feeling we get that somehow we are threatened and we rush to make sense of it.  Artists tend to be particularly vulnerable to this given their sensitivity and the fact that they are putting themselves out there everyday…did people “like” my photos on Facebook…OMG was I a total victim of that trap.  Seth Godin says to pull the plug…those people, most of them liking or ignoring you art, or even liking it, do not have their own skin in the game and besides it is so incredibly subjective…at any rate, it helps to be clear that you do have a small list of people whose opinion you value and welcome, even though it may hurt, because they are riding in the same boat as you are everyday.  And pretty much ignore the rest.

Apparently it is also helpful to write down the little stories you tell yourself when you feel shunned or hurt so that you can look at them a bit later and realize how silly they are, see them from a more objective and less emotional viewpoint.20170228-100F0378-Edit-Edit

I was listening to Sam play the beginning of a new work by Beethoven and I commented that it sounded a little discordant, was he playing the chords right…he seemed to suddenly become a little distant.  I then talked with him a few moments later about the above and he noted how he had been hurt by my comment and how he struggled to process it….I assured him that I had no intent of putting him down or his playing…but there it is…he like me, like most of us, get hurt when it was not at all intended and we immediately start constructing some sort of story to make sense of what just happened.


Discovered awesome trail in Peterborough that I must have passed by scores of times thinking it was just a flatlander hike…actually a fairly steep trail off of Sand Hill Road and an awesome view of Monadnock at top.  Took about 45 huffin and puffin minutes to scramble up and about the same coming down. Bonus points for seeing only one other hiker during the roughly 2 hours I was on trail.   As I get back into shape, it also offers the option of getting to Pack Monadnock another 2 miles away.

Ok, we have covered the mundane whatever…on with the blog.  Music is making a comeback into my life…played piano with Sam tonight and it was just fucking glorious…he was on electric me on baby G.  The sound we created was just awesome…heals my soul. I think that is in part what art is mostly about…at the very least it is certainly capable of it…listening to Sam play the moonlight sonata thru the electric with choir and grand piano was incredible …beyond words really. beautiful!

I used to have dreams of being a drummer on stage within an amazing piece of music…love the percussion of it.

Hello Again Hiroshima

There is no point to writing…nobody cares.  But maybe it will help me, it, the Muse will tell me what to say and I might listen.  Today is April 19th, 2017.  I never thought that I would actually be alive today and so anything that comes is a bonus now.  Is that ok to look at things this way.  My last dream of the night was at the grocery store and I bought some sausage and then went to the checkout counter only to find that there was a tennis tournament going on.  I did not see anyone there that I recognized.  Julia, the former deli lady at the Coop had been there in the store to tell me about the sausage but then she disappeared.

Well, so far I have not mentioned anything about Hiroshima and the Muse at least, as my only reader, is probably wondering why I would want to talk about the H bomb or was it the A bomb.  I actually don’t know what was in it, just that it fell from the sky and instantly killed a lot of people.  I am not sure if TV had been invented yet or how people found out about it or what exactly happened.  I was not even born yet, so why should I care.

I am reading the Cat’s Cradle by Vonnegut and loving it.  This is me eating a chocolate bar and choking.  Bill actually took the photo noticing the juxtaposition of the Breathe Easy sign behind me.  You can see his Copyright on the image and so I did not really have to tell you that.  I am not doing social media anymore and definitely not eating chocolate in front of the Coop with Bill there with his camera.  This part of me went down with Hiroshima 68 years after I was born.20170317145439_IMG_8173-02

Goodbye World

…or as the song used to go – Goodbye cruel world, I am off to join the army, etc.   And so I am not interested in the world, at least not yet…and do I have much to worry about in this regard anyway…I mean, who is going to even read this (if you do, please make a comment so that I know you were here)…it feels a bit like creating a time capsule to send off into space, or a message in a bottle…someday in some distant galaxy or some distant time, someone will bump into this mess of digital nausea and will be ever grateful etc. etc.  But for now, this is just my second step.

All things begin with that first step…my intent is to use this space to place ideas worth thinking about, and all sorts of other stuff that seems interesting that I would like to keep.  But first I need to learn how to use this thing…like what happens when I finish this…where will it go and what will it look like…what do I click on to finish it even?